Here is the reason I don’t go to Waffle House as brilliantly illustrated by one of my favorite writers.

You’ve seen Loose Change and JFK. You’ve heard about the Illuminati and Area 51. BUt here’s the REAL American conspiracy.

In 1996 the American Military Industrial Complex was working on several motion sensitive, precision guided weapons for both executive security as well as parameter protection for entrenched soldiers. By the end of the year the government came to realize that with the approach of y2k and the ever changing enemy that the motion sensitive technology would as soon be obsolete as perfected.

Here’s what they did.

In order to keep things under wraps while simultaneously increasing their personal profits they sprung an ingenious plan. The first step was to call together the heads of development for every major public bathroom utilities provider in the world.

Here are the recently declassified notes from the top secret meeting between the American Military and the bathroom suppliers of the world.

American Military: We have millions of motion sensors and the patents and blueprints to enable their reproduction.

Bathroom Suppliers: So what the hell does that have to do with us?

AM: You can use them to make everything in the public bathrooms of the world totally hands free.

BS: With all do respect gentlemen, that has no practical application for either stronger sanitation or convenience for the patron.

AM: Yea, but it’s so cool! It’s like Back to the Future!

BS: …

Am: We’ll throw in the patents for the new foamy soap we were working on?

BS: Done!!

And so over the next twelve years all the militaries motion sensors were slowly integrated into the bathrooms of the world leaving millions of hapless citizens to stand like idiots waving their hands in front of sinks and hand driers. So next time you shift on the public toilet seat on which you shift and the automatic flushing shoots poo water up your butt, remember who’s to blame…American.

This pretty much sums up my trip so far.

My trip up was awesome because if I could just hit the road with my beautiful wife and listen to audio books for the rest of my life I’d be a happy man.

Once we got here we got ourselves situated, saw the extravagant mansion that my in-laws are building, then went out to a very nice dinner where Jenny got to interact with some friends from high school who still live with their Moms and supervisors whom they, at one point, babysat for.

On the way back to my in-laws apartment my wife spun a tale of her grandfather driving around in his beat-up old truck with a shotgun in his arms, a fifth of whiskey in his lap, and his sweet little grandaughter in the passenger seat hunting for woodchucks.

Then, once arriving back at the apartment, we slept. As we slept I had a rather disconcerting dream in which I was forced to battle vampires and other archetypal dream monsters. What I realized once I awoke was that the horrific dream in which I was engaged was actually a soothing reprieve when compared to the reality in which I’d awake. What woke me was my dear mother-in-law, whom I love, blasting through the front door with our dog and giving a VERY enthusiastic recount of their walk to a room of sleeping people. A recount who’s main key points included “chasing ducky-wuckies” and “playing with another little dogdog”.

And I forgot my book.

This trip will yeild blogs….oh so many blogs.

From aliens.

For those of you who don’t know there are basically two kinds of comic books. There are super-hero comic books and non-superhero comic books. Now, these two catagories can be broken down into a plethora of further sub-genres but I really think that it boils down to these two headers.

Wanted, starring James MacAvoy and Angelina Jolie, is based on the comic Wanted which would fall under non-super hero comics. I won’t bother going over the plot as you can read it in some other, more credible review. I’ll get right to the point.

I knew, at some point, that there would be a comic book movie released that was so invariably for those who read the graphic novel that it would alienate all those who said “I didn’t know that was a comic”.

What stunned me as I watched Wanter was that the powers that be chose a non-superhero comic with which to make that movie.

Wanted was awesome. It was gratuitously violent and depraved and sexual and profane just like the book. And just like the graphic novel on which it was based it was so far from any semblance of realistic that most of the audience who saw it was thinking “am I supposed to believe this?” It wasn’t like Sin City, which was non-superhero, because Sin City was shot in such a way that whether people were away of it’s basis or not they clearly understood that it was meant to be a live-action comic strip packed with stars. But Wanted walked an awkward line between a little bit of explanation as to why the amazing things in the movie were possible and gritty realism that made those of us not in on the joke wonder “wait, how can he do that?”

Should you go see Wanted? Yes, if you’re either a comic fan or prone to like intentionally ridiculous movies like “Shoot ‘Em Up”. But if you’re looking for a more gritty realism or if you need explination as to why a man can curve a bullet….stay at home because Wanted made this summer’s Iron Man look like an (awesome) documentary.

Edit:

I just re-read the Wanted graphic novel and it was more depraived then I remember. The only way it would have translated to film as a perfect interpretation was if Stanley Kubrick was still alive, a comic nerd, and willing to do an NC-17 film. I’d also like to add that the movie interpretation, while FAR different from the story in the comic, was really effective.

I find as I get older everyday brings a new revelation as to what growing up means.

Recently I found myself thinking about a certain marital situation and my thought was “this will compromise my convictions.” Then, for the first time, like a ton of bricks, it just hit me that all relationships are a compromise. The word “relationship” should just be listed as a synonym for “compromise”. If you’re in a friendship, marriage, dating relationship in which no compromise is required then you will inevitably find your relationship at the end of the “we’re too much alike” rope. Relationships are made to be challenging and full of compromise. If you have no one on the other end of the rope then tug-of-war isn’t much fun.

The reason so few relationships work out now a days is because people are living under the delusion that it’s about finding someone who fits you so perfectly that they’re basically just some sort of lame yes-man to anything you want to do or say or be. Be the fact of the matter is that a perfect square doesn’t make a very good puzzle piece. In order for you to fit together with someone else you have to lack where they excel and vice-versa. Where you have a groove they should have a protrusion so that your puzzle pieces match.

I think the only thing sadder then someone going through life as a perfect square, smoothing their edges with rock solid convictions, is never having convictions and grooves in the first place. People in their twenties should spend that time between childhood and “settling down” to form strong opinions and convictions about life, society, injustice, and politics. Then, though it’s hard, they spend the rest of their lives find the happy medium between relationships with one’s self and compromise in relationship with those they choose to love. However, I believe people are encouraged to ignore this chance to form their opinions and convictions in favor of so-called “life experiences” (partying, sexual activity, career preparations) which are really just hedonistic distractions. The reason society at large encourages this behavior is because of it’s understanding that the stronger your sense of self the harder it is to find a partner and maintain a turbulence free relationship with your family.

However, what ends up happening is that our sense of self gets lost in the things we do while we are young adults, so where as one person has difficulty being in a monogamous relationship because of his lack of convictions, another person has a hard time being with someone right for him/her because he/she has difficulty compromising his convictions.

For instance, most of you who know me know that my convictions about alcohol and drugs can be a deterrent against me having meaningful relationships both with friends and with my wife (who choose to drink). Most of the relationships in my life don’t leave room for a “no compromise” stance on things.

However, I have a relative who is currently finding the next step in his relationship difficult because his lack of conviction dictates that “I have always done what I want on MY own terms and getting married compromises my ability to party, drink, and see other women”.

If you’re reading this from a certain age or maturity point it may not make sense. Me 2 years ago reading this would be uttering some awfully vindictive things under his breath. But believe me ladies and gents, life is all about compromise and the more you trust those further along the road, the easy life will be.

As the trailers get longer and the “viral videos” post more frequently my anticipation for The Dark Knight bumps up a notch from hype to contemplation. This film will likely change film as we know it. Understand, I’m not one to hype things because I hate being disappointed and my dear ol’ Mom always told me “if you go with no expectation it’s harder to be let down.”

But honestly, I think this movie signals the transition from “comic movies” to myth movies. What I mean is that when you make a great movie from a great book (Fight Club) or a great original script (The BIg Labowski) it’s fantastic. But making a movie from a long running comic title is like putting on a play about Zeus in ancient Greece. If you put on an original play that sucks, the people boo you. If you do disservice to a beloved myth the people will riot. Comic book movies, in a way, hold a level of emotional importance that transcends art and literary interpretation.

And I also feel like we have our first comic book martyr in the late, great Mr. Ledger. The man was so obsessed with portraying a good Joker that instead of acting, he simply drove himself insane. Ledger secluded himself in a filthy apartment and journaled as the Joker for an extended period of time. He also refused to break character between scenes and with his untimely (and highly suspect) passing we may never really known if he pulled himself from the grasp of the roll.

This movie is going to change lives.

With regard to someone who cares so much about the issue above withdrawn that they spent quite a bit of time and energy refuting it.

I can’t really remember under what circumstances I wrote this. But I think it’s worth a second post. I need to see a movie or something soon so I have something fresh to blog about, I’m running out of these “greatest hits”.

get with it

It’s safe, at this point, to say that we live in a heartless culture of apathy. It’s not to say that we are loveless or without feeling, but that we, as a civilization, have worked our way into a period of history where no one cares and if they do then they rarely have the heart to act. We arrived at this crossroads by diverging to paths in human existance; the paths of failure and achievement. At this bittersweet crossroad we have achieved so much in science and technology that our necessity to care has been depleted. When a man lived by the land he kept or the trade he was versed in, he was forced to awake every morning and care, if only for his own survival. He cared about the land, he cared about his animals and family ( for often times the family were also the sole employees), and he cared about his customers and the state of his community because he had to. Now we have arrived at a place where computers and machines work for us, and thus, care for our work while we are only left to sit and watch for menial pay so as to survive and decorate our living rooms or be able to download pornography on our telephones. This life of convinience through scientific advancement has forced us into an ultimatum, either care for nothing or choose something to care about. This is where our path of failure diverges in this whole mess. We have failed as a culture, in leu of “necessity caring”, to choose wrothy causes to champion. Of course this is not an indictment of a third party, I am guilty as one who eats meat and drives a gas car and yadda yadda yadda. Regardless, we must be made unable to ignore that a majority of our culture live their lives in apathy. They abstain from nothing that is legal (or from laws that are easily infringed upon)and they champion no cause save for their own hedonism. For some of us we can claim at least the bare minimum (straight edge, vegan/vegatarianism, social and political activism, etc.), but are we not in the minority? I guess the no frills point to this whole ramble is a call to get your shit together and care about something. Think of the consequences of your actions not just in your own life, but in the lives of you global community. If you give your money over to some convinience or vice, how is it negativly effecting others? We probably won’t change the world, I won’t lie, but at the end of the day did you at least have the spine to try?

Here are some Matt Moment quotes that people said I should blog. All have been said in the past month.

A Christian isn’t a salesman, he’s a customer service representative. Don’t try to close the deal, just answer any questions.

-Matt Moment on overbearing Christianity.

A girl wanting to mosh is like a guy wanting to have a period.

-Matt Moment on girls in the mosh pit.

Finding out about an infidelity after the relationship is like worrying about the dandruff you had during a bout with cancer.

-Matt Moment

Jesus would be rolling in his grave…if he hadn’t risen from it.

-Matt Moment after hearing of a machine that creates clouds in the shape of corporate logos.